Narcissistic Abuse is impossibly hard on anyone, but it’s doubly so for a man caught in the trap. Why? There are several reasons. One is, because typically women garner sympathy more easily than men. Typically women were thought of as the ‘weaker sex’.. But the truth is, women can be a lot more cunning, manipulative and vile than any man could ever be. They can switch roles to tearful, upset, victim in the blink of an eye, and nobody but you really knows the truth.
1. Female Narcissists are Skilful Liars
They lie skillfully and make themselves look hard-done by. They’ll twist everything you say or do to make it look like you’re the villain, and everyone will fall for it because they are so damned good at it. You’re left reeling, knowing they’ve lied, but you can’t prove it. The web of lies they spin leaves you feeling like you're going out of your mind. And that's exactly how they want you to feel. They enjoy their power over you.
2. Men are the tough ones!
Another reason is that men are supposed to be tough, so it’s both difficult and incredibly demeaning to your self-esteem to have to admit that you are being emotionally and psychologically abused by a woman. This in turn adds to the sense of isolation you feel because you can’t tell anyone, for fear of looking like a complete fool. Often there is just no one you can confide in.
They hunt kind, generous guys!
Another reason is that Narcissists of both sexes typically seek out ‘victims’ who they know they can manipulate. That means you, with your kind, gentle heart and loving, forgiving ways. You’re the kind of guy any normal woman would love to have in her life, because you have a great capacity for love and your giving heart, unfortunately, very quickly becomes a stomping ground for your hateful, mentally ill Narcissistic Partner.
3. Shame begets shame
And yet another reason is that shame begets shame, and rather than stand up to their partner when she is abusive or unreasonable in public, you’ll more than likely try to defend her, saying things like ‘She had a terrible childhood’ or ‘Her ex was really awful to her’, or any other excuse that helps you to gloss over what’s really going on. Because it’s simply too shameful and painfully embarrassing for you to admit the truth. You’ll even deny the truth to yourself, a lot of the time.
4. They're experts at 'hoovering' you back up.
I've lost count of the times I've heard that every time the guy says he's had enough, and he really has, he breaks up... but within a matter of days, often just hours, the ex is back texting or calling like crazy, declaring how much she loves you, can't live without you, can't stop thinking about you, yada yada... and you fall for it. Not just once. Time and time again. She's so good at convincing you that she will try to change (while passively-aggressively pointing out all your faults and blaming you, which in turn makes you start believing that you could have / should have done better), that you believe her.
5. There's sex, and then there's Narcissistic Sex
Female Narcissists use sex as a powerful tool to ensnare you, because they know that (typically), men like sex and intimacy with a woman they are in love with. (I know, they might like it whether they're in love or not, but let's keep the focus on being really in love here!) The Female Narcissist is not comfortable AT ALL with intimacy, but she's fantastic at PRETENDING GOOD SEX. She'll give you the best sex of your life and it'll blow your mind. This in an incredibly powerful weapon because great sex makes you feel great. Your emotions and 'love chemicals' are firing on all cylinders, and you're thinking, how can sex be this good if she's not wildly attracted to you and crazy in love with you? You know good sex when you get it, and this IS IT! But, it's not. It's all an act that she's putting on to make you feel that way. It's a potent weapon that leaves you powerless in its wake.
So what do you do? How do you get out of this nightmare of a relationship?
I know it can be hard, but your only hope for happiness lies in getting out of the relationship, going no contact (or low contact if you have kids together) and severing the emotional ties and trauma bonds that are keeping you stuck in the relationship. If you’re legally tied, then you need to find a lawyer who understands NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), or at the very least, one who has experience in Domestic Violence. If you don’t find one such lawyer, you run the risk of having your Narcissistic Partner totally hoodwink the lawyer you do choose. It happens all the time. They are so smart they can also convince therapists, police, and your family and friends that they are the victim.
There are ways to heal.
But it starts with you making the decision to end the cycle of abuse. Only you can make that decision. And start collecting evidence against them, if you haven’t already. Save all the text messages, emails, social media posts, and keep them somewhere safe and password protected. If you can secretly record your Narcissist when they are being abusive, do it. You’re going to need it.
Learn! Knowledge is Power!
Learn as much as you can about NPD so that you know what you are really dealing with. Knowledge is power.
Find a Therapist who specialises in NPD Abuse and Recovery
Then find a therapist to work with who can help you understand the abuse, why you attracted a Narcissist, why you 'allowed' it to continue, and how you can release the pain, heal your heart, and be happy again. And believe me, you can.
Connect with Me!
If you need more help and support to heal from Narcissistic Abuse, connect with me here.